toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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