im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
farters have to be the big spoon...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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