i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
