hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
