Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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