just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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