i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
