i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
