Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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