the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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