im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Alive.
So much puke
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
