The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
