Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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