he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
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I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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