i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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