I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
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You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch