I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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