I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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