i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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