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there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
