ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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