It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
