If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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