i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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