he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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