Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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