He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
