I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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