She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
