I want to have your abortion
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
