I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
