had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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