we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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