im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.