Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
