mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
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Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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