there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
