Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
