if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
