I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
