I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
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i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday