Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
