i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.