Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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