Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
