Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
