I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
