she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
