Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
