hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
