My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
