Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
