im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
