I looked at my own cervix.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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