god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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