my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
