Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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