Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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