There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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