Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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